As I sit down to write this post, I’ll admit I’m not sure where to begin. There are so many thoughts swirling in my head, so much I want to share, yet still uncertain that I’ve actually got it figured out. Some may think this post is stating the obvious. Others may think there’s nothing wrong with regular consumption of alcohol. But I would like to tell you why I took 30 days off of drinking, and what I learned during the process.
First things first, let’s talk about why I made this decision. There are two reasons, really. The first is related to physical health. As someone who suffers from IBS, alcohol is a big irritant for me. Some people can drink casually with no side effects, but sometimes after even one glass of wine, I will wake up feeling “hungover”. I’ve now learned that what I used to think was a standard Bree hangover is actually just a very upset stomach from consuming alcohol. I wanted to give my digestive system a reset, and see what happened after not imbibing, even if it was only one drink per night.
The second reason relates to mental health. Since turning the legal drinking age, the longest I have gone without having an alcoholic beverage was two weeks. That was in 2017, post wild-open-bar-10-days-straight-TIFF-party-madness. I committed to one month, and caved after two weeks (thanks to a persuasive friend and fellow wine aficionado). Prior to that, the longest I had gone without was 10 days, when I came down with a nasty respiratory infection that I couldn’t kick. I’ve been in lots of relationships where booze is a huge part of our bond. Sitting on a patio and ordering a few summer evening (or afternoon) drinks used to be my favourite thing in the world. It was always “what’s the next delicious cocktail I’m going to get and at what cool bar?”, or “Let’s grab a bottle of wine for our Monday night dinner at home”. It was just the thing we did. I didn’t realize how ingrained it was in my past relationships until I started dating Bryan. Sure, he enjoys a few drinks here and there. But what I was blown away with was when we began seeing each other, 75% of the time we spent together was 100% sober. WHAT??? A first date where you don’t go home tipsy, feeling the warm fuzzies, but not sure if it’s from all that wine or because you actually liked the guy? It completely changed my relationship to alcohol in relationships. Well, and to alcohol in general. Not needing booze to loosen me up enough to fully express myself, or feel confident enough in an unfamiliar setting with new people? These were revolutionary thoughts for me! Not to mention as an artist and freelancer, Sunday or Monday…or Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday drinks were completely normal and accepted. “I don’t have to do anything until 3pm tomorrow…so hells yes, let’s drank some wiiiinneee”.
As is always the case with me, I ebb and flow. Some weeks I’d have two or three drinks total. Others I would have more than I care to mention. And on those weeks where I was having my daily glasses (plural, usually) of wine, mostly just at home, sometimes by myself, I started to get a bit worried. Why am I doing this? Why, when it gets dark out at 5pm, do I go “well, day is done! Time for some wine”? And the more I questioned and thought about my dependency on alcohol, the more difficult it was to take a couple of days off a week. Soon I was very regularly drinking almost every day. Again, sometimes only a single gluten free beer. But it was less about the AMOUNT I was drinking, and more about the FREQUENCY of those drinks. So that’s when I gave myself the challenge – Sober November. You’re doing it. No ifs, ands or buts.
Let me tell you – it actually started out a lot easier than I expected! I was happy to have a legitimate goal instead of the loose attempt to not drink “as much”. Sometimes I would watch Bryan crack open a beer on a Friday night after long work week, and think “wow, that would be nice”. But the thought would come and then go, and then I was over it and moving on.
And then, one fateful night (November 12th to be exact), Bryan and I went to a pub for dinner. We sat at the bar. I had had a frustrating day. I asked the bartender for the wine list. I wasn’t sure if I was going to cave or not, but I wanted to look at the wine offerings just in case. Bryan ordered his beer (he also had a rotten day), and I spent the next 30 minutes OBSESSING over my desire to have a big glass of wine. I was about to just go for it, and Bryan calmly talked me off the ledge. I have so much respect for him, because I know most people would say something like “it’s just one glass of wine, what harm will that do?”. 31 minutes into our appearance at the pub, my need for a drink disappeared. I had passed the test. And I was so glad that I didn’t give in. From that day on, I knew I was going to succeed in lasting the full 30 days without consuming alcohol.
Okay, so now on to the things that I’ve learned –
- My quality of sleep improved. I wasn’t going to bed in a wine fog, which would help me fall asleep, but woke me up in the middle of the night causing a restless slumber. I also wasn’t dealing with the whole “it’s 10pm, but now I’m watching this great movie on TV so I’ll just have one more glass” thing, which leads me to an inexplicable internet vortex until 1am, not knowing how I got there. Without alcohol, I was consistently going to bed at the same time every night, which we all know is key for getting a great sleep.
- I reach for a drink when I’m frustrated, or upset, or confused, or just feeling any feeling I don’t want to be feeling. There were multiple days throughout November that I just felt antsy and unhappy where I thought “If I just have a drink I’ll feel better”. Whoa. How crazy is that? Instead of sitting down and figuring out why I’m feeling those things, I would reach for something that would take those feelings away. Mind. Blown. It made me realize how much I medicate with alcohol. Yes, I really do love the taste of wine. And there’s nothing better than a delicious hand crafted Old Fashioned. But lots of the reasons for having a glass on a Tuesday night aren’t for the taste – it’s to avoid a feeling. This is a valuable insight I’ve learned. I can’t expect to change this habit right away, but the key is that I now have the awareness – I’m feeling this thing, this is how I want to avoid, I’m aware that what I’m doing is avoiding, and now I get to make the conscious choice about how I’m going to proceed.
- My productivity and creativity increased ten fold. This is mostly due to the fact that I wasn’t “shutting down” at 7pm with a glass of wine. Being self employed, I don’t work from 9 – 5. My schedule is erratic and often times I’m working until 9 or 10pm to stay on top of my never ending to-do list. I would still work that late with a glass of wine, but that would turn into distracted TV watching and lack of concentration. Without my evening drink, my mind was coming up with ideas that felt new and foreign to me, and the best part was, I was actually following through with them!
- I created better habits. That’s what drinking had become for me; a habit. I poured a glass of wine not because I really wanted to taste the delicious complex flavours, but because that’s what I did at 7pm, while prepping dinner. I was doing it mindlessly, and that’s what I really wanted to kick. So instead of wine, I would make myself a delightful cup of herbal tea in a giant mug, light some candles, and do my evening work. Or, take that tea to bed with me and wind down an hour before bed with a good book. I felt more calm, more grounded, and like I was actually doing something good for my body that made me happy.
- My sense of self strengthened. I discovered I didn’t need a cocktail to get through certain social situations. I could still be as much fun and take part in the fun without being a bit tipsy. I used to think those two went hand in hand. That I would be “boring” and a “wet blanket” if I didn’t drink. But that’s most certainly not the case. I had just as much fun, and didn’t wake up with a nasty hangover in exchange for that fun. I now feel confident that I can hold my own without the help of alcohol, and legitimately enjoy myself and the people I’m around.
So, where does this leave me? Am I going to quit drinking forever? The thought had crossed my mind. As December 1st neared, I didn’t have the desire to drink to celebrate my month of sobriety. In truth, I sort of felt like continuing this challenge as long as I could. December 1st did come, and I didn’t really think much about it. That evening, Bryan and I stayed in painting baseboards and trim (oh the joys of DIY home renos) and I decided to pour myself a glass of wine. I drank it very slowly, and savoured every sip. The goal was not to get a buzz, but to witness how my relationship to alcohol had changed. There was definitely a difference, but it’s a slippery slope. I can understand how difficult it is for addicts to fall off the wagon, because the next day I had wine as well. I was going back to my old patterns, right after I had just completed this life changing experiment. What was wrong with me? And then…I remembered to just breathe. It’s okay. There are going to be days that it’s easy and days that it’s hard. And some days I just really want a big glass of wine! And that’s okay too. What matters most is that I now know WHY I drink. From there I have the power to make informed choices, instead of blindly consuming alcohol because it’s ingrained in our society. So am I going to drink wine at all of the upcoming holiday festivities? Absolutely! Am I going to drink that wine because I’m feeling uncomfortable, or upset, or anxious? Absolutely not. I don’t know about you, but I think that’s a step in the right direction.
